Climbing and I have a rather tempestuous relationship. Inevitably, after a period of good training and successful sends, I seem to get wrapped up in climbing for the numbers, for the tick list, for the sweet trip report, rather than because I want to climb something because it is fun and makes me happy. This, in turn, devolves into crazy nerves and anxiety that make climbing no fun at all. Last year, this happened around late May/early June and I took a big step back from climbing. I went on awesome trail runs. I focused on research and prepared for my qualifying exam. Other parts of my life benefited from the fact that I wasn’t constantly suffering from climbing-related anxiety.
Just one of many awesome trail running adventures during my break from climbing - this time, running in Tuolumne Meadows on New Year's Eve. Cathedral Peak in the background.
This year, I have come back to climbing with a renewed focus on climbing for the right reasons. I am trying to learn how to appreciate challenging myself without getting so wrapped up in grade-chasing. I am blogging less (and tweeting basically not at all), but climbing more and having more success at school. Part of me is sad that I have stepped back from all my social media climbing friends, but for the time being, I’m choosing climbing (and work) and I hope you’ll all forgive me.
When I started training in the gym in early January in anticipation for our spring break trip to the Red River Gorge, I was forced to be humble. I slowly worked my way from leading 5.10- to 5.10+ to 5.11. I fell short of my hopes of climbing 5.12 in the Red, but I was able to appreciate being in a cool place with great people and awesome climbing.
Psyched for a gorgeous climbing day - Snake Dike as a group of 6 (3 rope teams, we're not that crazy) in April.
I guess time will tell how well I will be able to stick to my guns this time around and resist the temptation to chase particular numbers or achievements. I am hopeful, but, at the same time, my time off wasn’t so bad either (my new mountain trail running habit, for example, is definitely a positive addition to my life). All I can say for now is that I am climbing because I love to climb, and that is really the best reason for me.
I’m sure I’m not alone in having a complicated relationship with my motivation to climb, so please feel free to share any input, advice, or experience in the comments.
Lizzy
I go through a similar dilemma with just about everything I do. Constantly having to step back and asses what’s more important to me, being better or having fun. I was forced to reassess my climbing last year when I broke my back. In hindsight the climb I was on was neither a worthy challenge nor particularly fun it was just the next one to tick on the list, the poor condition of the rock lead to my accident. I have been lucky to make a full recovery and am probably a better climber now than before, certainly a smarter one. I now try to focus on enjoyment but its amazing how quickly I can forget my sobering warning when I become absorbed by what I’m doing.
Great post, Lizzy, and thanks for sharing what makes you tick. I haven’t climbed since December, and prior to that, it had been two months. The anxiety I felt just took its toll and I’ve found other things that make me happy without making me crazy! I’m hoping I’ll get back into it at some point, but it’s comforting to hear hardcore ladies like you go through things like this too.
Yeah, I’ve realized it’s so important to spend my free time doing things that actually make me happy! I think the most we can all hope for each other is that
Nice post, Lizzy. I find that, with most things I’m passionate about, that drive to chase numbers (in a metaphorical sense) is something I struggle with as well. As I get older I become better at being able to just enjoy my passions without becoming obsessive about obtaining the next big goal. It’s a constant struggle, though. It’s smart to take a step back.
I’ve had the experience of completely burning out on something that was my passion for many, many years. I often wonder if I had taken a less intense approach, if it would still be a part of my life.
Glad you’ve found a few things that you love that you can cycle through as needed. You are a smart lady!
I have had the total burn-out experience as well, more than once. Somehow I’ve survived this long with climbing, maybe because it’s the only one that I’ve actually taken somewhat extended breaks from before coming back to. I think in the end it might just be a healthy part of the process.
I haven’t had this experience with rock climbing specifically (had enough non-climbing injuries that kept me away from climbing to never really get to a point where “chasing numbers” would even come into picture). But in 2008 I quit my job and haven’t started looking for another one for a year. To say that I wasn’t enjoying what I was doing professionally would be a huge understatement. I took a year of, did other things (started climbing!) and slowly came to realize that I DID love my profession and I just had to stay true to myself, never compromise and never turn it into somebody else’s game. Nowadays I ask myself – is doing this thing in this way going to make me a happier person? And if the answer is no, then I try and find another way. And amazingly, once you stop playing other people’s game, they turn around and start following your lead instead. (Or you move on – sometimes that’s the only option left.)
Hey, life changes. Anybody who thinks they can keep doing the same things the same way for ever and ever is just deluding themselves. I love climbing, but I have a love/hate/anxiety relationship with social media. I think taking a break from that now and then can do wonders for the soul.
Yep, when it gets to the point where keeping up on all my social media was a chore that I could no longer balance with school and actually getting out there and doing fun things… that’s just now how it’s supposed to be.